


Breathing Room

by Swiss_Roll



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Cancer, Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-05 05:25:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12183753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swiss_Roll/pseuds/Swiss_Roll
Summary: Excessive pain on his back woke him up, he jerked his body, positioning himself so that it went away. He suddenly felt skin, and he noticed the familiar feeling of a body next to him, but something was wrong, there was a smell of cologne in the air. Startled, Negan snapped his eyes open, only to find a naked man lying next to him, sleeping without a care in the world. What the hell did he do last night? Who was this man? Where was Lucille? . He closed his eyes again lazily, and began remembering.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heeey! This is my first ever attempt at a fic lol, i'm not very good but i do my best, hope you enjoy it ♡

Excessive pain on his back woke him up, he jerked his body, positioning himself so that it went away. He suddenly felt skin, and he noticed the familiar feeling of a body next to him, but something was wrong, there was a smell of cologne in the air. Startled, Negan snapped his eyes open, only to find a naked man lying next to him, sleeping without a care in the world. What the hell did he do last night? Who was this man? Where was Lucille? . He closed his eyes again lazily, and began remembering.

The bar was awfully crowded that night, and the flashing neon lights along with the loud music bumping on his ears made him feel overwhelmed. This was one of the worst fucking days of his life, and Negan was sure it couldn't get worse. He took a sip from his drink and relished the taste, trying to drown his thoughts in the harmful yet comforting feeling of alcohol sliding down his throat.

Negan was aware his wife was dying, more than aware actually, it was something that never left his mind. No matter how much alcohol he gulped down. He covered his face with his hands, trying to shake off the feeling of helplessness, but he couldn't. He wished he could drift away from life, from everything, from the painful knowledge that there was nothing he could do to stop it, it felt like his guts were slowly being ripped apart and then pulled out of his body. But even in her moments of weakness and disorientation, Lucille remained hopeful, and Negan did his best to make her last moments on earth as happy as could be, yet seeing her in such a vulnerable state every day broke him to his very core, and he had fallen into a point where pretending had become exhausting, and as guilty as he felt about it, deep down, he just wanted it all to end.

Although right now this was the last thing Negan wanted to think about, he was here to forget about it, and as of now, he was miserably failing. A couple of drinks later, Negan was very drunk, unfortunately he was the kind of guy to flirt with anyone and anything, which had earned him his fair share of slaps. He sat down in the closest booth dizzily, rubbing his pained cheek and mumbling undecipherable words that didn't even make sense to himself, until a smooth voice with a sweet southern drawl caught his attention.

"Umm, excuse me, are you okay?" Fuck, there was already someone there. Negan looked up only to meet the bluest eyes he had ever had the pleasure to witness, and the owner of them was an undoubtedly beautiful man, he couldn't help but whistle appreciatively

"Well, hello there blue eyes, aren't ya just the prettiest fucking thing I've seen all night?"

And that was all Negan could remember, at least for the time being, he opened his eyes and glanced at the dreaming man at his left, even though he remembered him from his drunk one night stand, he couldn't even figure out what his name was. And like that Negan realized, he had slept with someone, someone who was not Lucille, his dying wife.

A rush of guilt pierced through his chest, and he stood up carefully, to avoid waking the other man up. After putting on his clothes, Negan grabbed his phone from the bedside table, and nearly jumped as he saw him move, but luckily, sleeping beauty wasn't up yet.

Right away, Negan felt disgusted at himself by the thought, and instead focused on Lucille, the memory of them together made him smile as he walked through the hallway and down the stairs. In a rush to leave this cheap hotel, he found he was truly surprised by how bold and careless he had been that night, but he was determined to stop it from happening again. Fuck, what would Lucille think if she knew he had cheated on her while she laid weakly in her possible death bed alone in a hospital room, it's not like it was the first time it happened either, but the situation made him feel shittier about it.

After going back home and taking a short bath, Negan went to visit Lucille, once he was in front of the room's door, he paused for a moment, taking deep breaths, he could never truly prepare himself for this, but he had to. He slowly opened the door and stepped in "Hey darling" said Negan gently, in what seemed almost like a whisper. Lucille softly opened her eyes and lifted herself slowly, "Negan" she whispered lovingly, and a small smile appeared on her face, as if the sole sight of him brightened it all.

He approached the side of the bed and held her hand carefully, pushing her gently back into the mattress, she looked up at him with shining eyes and such fondness that Negan couldn't understand what he did to deserve such a wonderful woman in his life, and what he also did to deserve the pain of seeing her like this.

"How are you feeling, babydoll?" said Negan as he cupped her face, Lucille grabbed his hands with her own, making him startled by the cold in them.

"I'm as good as can get” she had an almost pained tone in her voice, Negan could feel the difficulty in her breath, and he leaned in to kiss her forehead.

“Have you eaten anything today?” he said as he caressed her cheek, soon Lucille sighed weakly “Not really” she had been avoiding food lately, didn’t really calm Negan down.

“Come on honey, you really are in no position to skip meals like that” for a moment there was a look of confusion in the woman’s face, and she stared at their hands, held together between them “I know, I just…. Nevermind, I’m okay, I’ll make sure to eat something soon” the sudden change of mind intrigued Negan, but he decided not to push it, the last thing he wanted was bothering her.

“Enough about me, something’s wrong with you Negan, what is it?” shame washed over him, even in her worst, Lucille would be a lot more concerned about him, him. He faked a chuckle, and tried to brush the topic off “What? Me? You saying that cause’ my mouth’s not as potty as usual? Wow, baby, I’m seriously offended right now, like you’re any better, I'll let it slide though, just cause you’re one hell of a sight” the delicate laugh that spilled through Lucille’s mouth made Negan’s heart ache “You just can’t stop, can you, jackass?, but that’s not what I meant, you seem troubled, like something’s on your mind” she was right, as much as Negan didn’t want to admit it. The guilt of his one night stand kept eating him up inside, but he wouldn’t tell her, if she knew she’d tell him to fuck off and eat shit in hell, or at least that’s what Negan believed he deserved.

“It’s nothing baby, really, don’t worry your pretty little head about it” he affirmed as reassuringly as he could, even though he knew how unconvincing he sounded.

○○○

  
It reeked.

It reeked of sweat, and it was coming from himself. Rick sat up on the bed, and noticed the sheets, damp with sweat just like his body, the room was confusingly hot, it disgusted him. Suddenly, Rick realized this was not his room, and remembered the events of the former night. He looked around, trying to find the obnoxious man he had met, but there was no one to be seen.

He stood up, making his way towards the shower, trying to get rid of the uncomfortable sticky feeling on his body, and his thoughts drifted back to the night before.

Rick wanted to go out for drinks that evening, even if he was alone. Carl had promised to take care of little Judith, and as scared as the thought of leaving them alone for the night made him, Carl claimed to be responsible enough to be trusted that way, so Rick decided to give him a chance. Of course he hadn’t explicitly told his son that he was going to a bar and intended to get as drunk as possible, what kind of father would that make him? Instead he just said he’d hang out with Daryl, a good friend of his, and thankfully Carl didn’t ask for details. Rick felt guilty lying to him that way, but it was better to make up an excuse and drinking outside than doing it in the house and getting caught like last time. That day still stuck in his mind, the shame as his son scolded him for avoiding his problems with alcohol wouldn’t leave him, even as he arrived at the bar it resonated inside him.

Brushing the thoughts out of his mind, Rick walked in the bar and sat on the smallest available booth, he asked for a drink and stared at the place. There were people here and there, flirting, laughing, dancing, and the occasional miserable looking person sitting by themselves, just like Rick, at least he wasn’t the only one feeling that shitty, and as he swallowed the liquor he wondered if that was a good thing or not.

All of a sudden a loud thump caught his attention, and Rick looked up, seeing a man sitting in front of him muttering what seemed like gibberish. His hair was messy, his cheeks were fully red, and there were stains of alcohol all over his white shirt and leather jacket. This man looked completely wasted, and Rick couldn’t help it but feel pity for him, something must be really wrong in someone’s life for them to end up like this, and Rick questioned himself if he could end up like this that night, he surely hoped not.

“Umm, excuse me, are you okay?" To say he was uncomfortable was quite an understatement, this man had an overwhelmingly strong scent. Rick watched as the guy stared at him, a shocked expression over his face, but it soon turned into a confident smirk and an obnoxious whistle filled the air between them "Well, hello there blue eyes, aren't ya just the prettiest fucking thing I've seen all night?" was this man really flirting with him? Rick’s reaction was an immediate no, but on a second thought, he was quite eye catching, with those caramel eyes that seemed to stare right into Rick’s soul, the salt and pepper beard and that charming look of his. He’d be lying if he said it was the first time he felt attraction towards a man, but he’d never done anything about it, maybe he it was time he took a chance.

“Come on handsome, don’t leave me hanging. I’m Negan, may I have the pleasure of knowing your name?” with a dramatic movement, Negan held his hand in front of Rick, as if expecting something.”Uh, Rick” he stuttered as he placed his hand over Negan’s, who slowly leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the back of his hand. “Well, it’s my pleasure to meet you Rick” a blush spread through his face at the extremely suggestive tone in which his name was said, and Negan finally let go of his hand.

“What’s a hottie like you doing in a place like this by themselves? Looking for some casual fun?”

That was very far from the truth, Rick did know why he was here, to escape from it all, from the intense sting he felt when he thought of Lori, of her intent to take their kids away from him “You’ll never be able to care for them like he does! You’re not even her real father!” her words kept repeating themselves in his ears when he looked at Judith, he loved her just as much as he loved Carl, but the thought never left him. Maybe this night was taking a turn, this flirty drunk man could help him ease himself for a bit, in more ways than one, so Rick tried to go along with this.

After finishing off the rest of his drink in one gulp he said “Not really, I assume that’s why you’re here though”

Rick felt a hard thump on his chest when he heard the loud laugh that came out of his mouth “Oh sugar, I was not here for that at first, but I don’t blame ya for thinking so, after all, I couldn’t stop myself when I saw your gorgeous face, here let me buy you a drink” Goddamn he was blushing again, this Negan guy had a special something to him that Rick couldn’t stop himself from being attracted to, perhaps it was his cockiness, the sexy way he smirked as he complimented him, his thoughts were reaching dirtier places now. And he watched carefully as Negan signaled for the bartender to bring them two drinks.

“What were you even doing when you fell down over there?”

“If you can’t already tell, I’m drunk as all fuck. I was walking around, lost balance and poof! Thank goodness I didn’t fall face first onto the floor, wouldn’t wanna ruin my handsome face, and that would’ve been quite a shitty first impression” Rick began laughing, the way he spoke seemed comical, even cartoonish.

“What’s so funny doll?” he said as he received the glasses and thanked the bartender with a gesture, he then placed one in front of Rick.

“It’s just, the way you speak” Rick managed to huff out between laughter.

“If I had a penny every time anyone said that to me, I’d be a fucking multimillionaire, living the boats and bitches life, if ya get me” he winked and sipped the alcohol.

Rick kept laughing but when he stopped, he noticed the satisfied look on Negan’s face. “God damn! If that ain’t the cutest laugh I’ve ever heard put a bullet through my head right here and now, so, you single?”

There he goes with the compliments again, not that Rick was bothered. “Yeah, I recently got divorced” And as he drinked he saw that, at least he wasn’t that nervous anymore.

“Tough shit, how’d it happen?”

“I really don’t wanna talk about it right now, I’d probably just bring you down”

“Trust me blue eyes, I’ve hit rock bottom, it’s impossible to bring me down any more” he said as he raised his hands over his head.

“Let’s just leave it at that, it’ll be better, I just need to relax and forget about it”

“Relax, huh? Ya got any plans?” Other than going to a random bar and getting drunk until he was unconscious, no, he didn’t have any plans, but Negan had been a change on that.

“No, I don’t” an ear to ear grin showed up in the other man’s face.

“Well, if you agree, I think we’d both enjoy going somewhere private so I can help you release your stress” It was true, it had been on Rick’s mind for a while now, but he was surprised Negan suggested it so blantly. His face was a strong colored red, as his mind had filled with all the possibilities, and he smirked lightly but soon covered his face shamefully.

“Your face says it all Ricky, why don’t you give me a hint of what’s on your mind?” Negan stood up and then sat by his side, putting a hand on his leg and rubbing it softly, as if testing the waters. Rick stared at him, face just as red, and grabbed his hand and gently pushed it back onto the other man.

“You’re too drunk Negan, and I don’t know you, you could regret this”

“Trust me baby, I can count my regrets with the fingers in my hand, and none of them have shit to do with enjoying some good damn company” As always, Rick couldn’t help but doubt this. He glared at Negan seriously, trying to bring some sense into the man.

Negan sighed and separated their hands “Well, at least, may I borrow your phone Rick?” Rick handed it to him, and watched as the man typed something in, then returned it with a new contact on the screen “Negan” and a bunch of suggestive emojis. He stared at him with his best “seriously?” face.

“Just in case you change your mind any day, not pushing ya though, feel free to delete it” he stood up and winked at Rick once more. “It’s been my pleasure to meet you, gorgeous, I’ll wait for your call” and then he walked away to pay.

Rick attentively watched as he did, going up and down his body, he surely was not the kind of person you met everyday, Rick was used to regular, correct, normal people, and this man was the full opposite of that, he had a dangerous outlaw vibe, the way he speaked attracted him. Fuck this, Rick thought, as he stood up and walked towards Negan, touching his shoulder lightly.

He turned around, with the biggest smirk on his face. “What is it hon? Coming back to beg for some of this?” he signaled to himself in an almost ridiculous way that made Rick snicker. “Let’s just do this”.

Soon they were at some cheap hotel room, making out like there was no tomorrow, grasping onto each other’s bodies as their clothes were quickly removed one by one. Negan pulled away from his lips, and leaned towards his ear “I’m gonna screw the everloving fuck out of you Rick”

And the rest was history right now.

Rick finished washing his hair, and went out of the shower. He began putting on his clothes. Of course this asshole had left, he didn’t know what he was expecting, but he still had his number. Was this only a one night stand meant to be forgotten? Or should Rick call him? He’d think about that later.

Oh god, the kids, Carl must be wondering where he is, he hit his face with his hand, he had fallen asleep, even when he planned to leave just after they were done. He rushed to finish changing, and left the hotel immediately.

Carl was sitting on the table eating cereal when Rick entered, Judith by his side. It was pretty early. “Hey dad, where were you?” he was surprised by how calm Carl was about it.

“I, uh, I got too tired to drive, so I slept over at Daryl’s” bullshit he thought to himself, but as always, Carl bought it. “oh, ok”

He approached the table and caressed Judith’s golden hair, she looked up at him with her always bright smile “Sorry I left you two alone for the night, it won’t happen again”

“It’s okay dad, I’m old enough to care for us both”

“Still, something could’ve happened and I wouldn’t have been here”

Carl sighed exasperated “Yeah dad, but nothing did, we’re okay, you don’t have to worry so much like you always do, you can trust me”

Rick looked up from the floor. “Thanks, Carl“

The day went away fast, it was a calm silent day with his family, nothing special. He played around with Judith and Carl went out to hang out with Enid, he had a crush on her, that was obvious to Rick, no matter how much Carl tried to hide it, the way he talked about her reminded Rick of simpler times, he had once been the same way about Lori.

As much as it hurt, he didn’t regret it, it brought him two beautiful angels to care for, even if one wasn’t really his. Rick was laying in bed, wondering what her life was right now, she’s surely living with Shane. Shane, he found himself overcome with anger, and it haunted him again, like it did every moment he was alone and sober. He turned around again and again, like that would get it out of his mind. He needed to distract himself, and the need just kept growing bigger. Rick thought of alcohol, but there was no way he could excuse himself two nights straight, plus, he had to work tomorrow.

The night before had been good, he expected to just sit there and pity himself, but no, Negan changed that with his unusual appearance in Rick’s night. He looked at his phone, it wasn’t that late, he wondered if he really should reach out to him. Finally, he grabbed it and looked for the contact, he really had nothing to lose by trying.

“Hey, it’s Rick” simple, just to see what his response would be. He laid down the phone on the table, he figured he’d have to wait until tomorrow to know.

*Ding* Or not, he quickly grabbed it and looked at the message.

“Rick who?” of course, how would he remember.

“The guy you met at the bar last night, you put your number in my phone, remember?”

○○○

Shit, that Rick, Negan thought, his memories from that night were still blurry. And that was good, he was trying to forget it, to act like it never happened so the guilt left as well, but he thought the other man didn’t care.

“Oh, right. I’m sorry about last night, I was too drunk”

“It’s okay, you were quite a change of plans it was nice”

“You are more than welcome Ricky, but honestly, I’ve got no idea what we talked about”

“I knew you wouldn’t remember anything, you were too drunk. ”

“Sorry man”

“It’s fine, really. We barely got to know each other, actually”

“Not much to be said, Negan, 49, school gym coach”

“Rick Grimes, 44, sheriff”

“Sheriff Grimes, huh? Hot”

“Trust me, it isn’t”

“Oh come on! Cuffs, that authoritarian attitude, the sexy uniform, how much better can it get?’

“Maybe in your mind”

“More like everyone’s mind, this can’t be the first time someone’s said that”

“It is”

“I’m surprised”

“Didn’t think you were the kind to enjoy getting ordered around”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me sugar”

“Can I find out then?”

“Wow, am I still talking to Rick? If so, I’ll be more than glad to show you darling, just give me a call”

And there went his determination to stop, he shouldn’t be doing this, he really shouldn’t. Lucille is alone on a bed in a dark cold hospital, dying, and here is Negan, flirting with a one night stand, cheating on her. He passed his hands through his face, he really was a shameless bastard, and it had never been a problem to his conscience, until now.

“It’s funny, I thought you’d regret this” If you only knew Ricky.

“How could I? If I get to see those baby blues on your gorgeous face again it was more than worth it”

“You just can’t stop, can you?” Lucille, her voice was filling his mind, yet Negan quickly silenced it.

“I get that a lot, so, will I get the honor to see you again?”

The screen was static for a moment, he knew Rick was doubting his proposal.

“Sure”

“When are you free?”

“Tomorrow at lunch, pick me up at the station”

“Sounds good to me, you got yourself a date handsome ♡”

What in fucking hell was wrong with him? Negan felt disgusted again, he did know why he did this, he needed to distract himself from his shit situation, even though he hated himself for it.

“I’m looking forward to it”

He placed the phone on his bedside table, and laid down to sleep.

○○○

Rick had a date now, the next day. Nothing big, they would just share lunch together and talk about whatever came up. Negan intrigued him, the little he knew about that charismatic man was enough for him to agree to meet up, he was surprised, being the kind of man to keep stuff to himself. For the first time in a long time he smiled to himself, knowing that even if his day was bad, he’d have something to cheer him up. As he yawned, Rick softly placed his head on the pillow, and drifted off to sleep.


	2. First Date

“Hey doll, are you awake?” Negan clenched onto the bouquet of flowers nervously, as he always did when he entered that silent cold room, in fear of finding the cold still body of his former wife, but he soon exhaled in relief as he saw the rising and lowering on her chest, she was just sleeping. The sound of her breathing filled the room, uncomfortable gurgling and rattling sounds. Negan was careful while moving towards Lucille and sitting on the chair next to her. He placed the flowers on the table and sighed, holding her hand and pressing it hard enough for her to feel it but gently and kind, not to hurt or startle her.

 

“Lucy, I want to remind you how much I love you, It’s a fucking pain in the ass not knowing when the last time we speak will be. So I want you to know that, and to remember it every day. I love you Lucille, I really do” Negan’s declaration was met with silence, it didn’t bother him, he was certain she was listening, wherever she was.

 

What wouldn’t he give to be able to have a normal day with his wife again, taking her out on a fancy dinner date while admiring her gorgeous figure in a long elegant dress, going to a club together, dancing and laughing wildly, or even simpler things,grocery shopping, arguing over if they should buy some goofy cereal, just laying together on the couch speaking about life and talking shit about those they dislike, even having some hot nice sex on the privacy of their bedroom. but no, those things can’t happen, not anymore.

 

Negan didn’t know at what point he became such a pathetic pessimist, he sighed again and after staying there for a long while, he looked at the clock on the wall, almost 12, time to go pick up his date. Not before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead and whispering softly “I have to go baby, but I’ll be right back this evening, sweet dreams” and then he left the hospital, walking shamefully through the halls.             

 

°°°

The station was silent that day, it was a small town after all, and there wasn’t much to worry about most of the time. Rick was on his desk, going through some paperwork when a coworker approached and leaned against the desk.

 

“You’ve been glancing at that clock every ten seconds Rick, what’s got you so impatient?” He was well aware that he was doing so, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he couldn’t wait to see Negan again, and in a more personal manner this time.

 

“I have?” Rosita nodded, while gripping on her ponytail to tighten it, then she pointed over to Abraham.

 

“Abraham says he’s buying lunch for everyone today, you coming along?”

 

“Nah, I’m good. That’s very generous of him though” As of now, he didn’t want to admit he was going on a date, people kept asking him over and over again when he would go back to it. He didn’t want to get more attention because of that.

 

“He’s extremely cheerful these days. Well, of course he would be”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You didn’t hear the news? He proposed to Sasha last week, they’re engaged.”

 

“Wow, that’s great”

 

Rick noticed the way Rosita’s brown eyes were directed towards the floor, nostalgia reflected in them.

 

“Crap, are you ok?” She sighed then turned around, her sight never leaving the floor.

 

“I don’t know, him being engaged so soon after our break up, how quickly he got over us, makes me wonder if he actually cared”

 

“Of course he cared, why would he have apologized when you broke up if not? He loved you, he still values you as one of his closest friends, some relationships just don’t work out, mostly for the better”

 

“You’re probably right, he’s always been nice to me, even when I hated him and Sasha. And I don’t miss what we had, sure, it was nice while it lasted, but I’m a lot happier with Tara than I ever was with him, god, I love her so much”

 

She pushed locks of hair towards the back of her ear and smiled. Rick’s heart felt warm when he saw the sparkle in her eyes as she talked about her girlfriend, just like him when he spoke of Lori in a distant time.

 

“I guess I’m happy for them, they deserve to live a long happy life together, they really are a cute couple. Thanks for dealing with my shit Rick. I owe you one”

 

“I’m glad I helped” A buzzing sound filled the room, it was coming from Rick’s phone, once read the message he stood up. “I uh, I’m leaving for lunch now”

 

“Ya going out with someone? No wonder you were impatient” She crossed her arms with a knowing smirk on her face.

 

“Can we keep this a secret?”

 

“Count on me, sheriff” He nodded and left the station.

 

°°°

 

Negan arrived the station, he parked close, resisting the urge to honk the horn right in front of the station, because that was just how he was. Instead he got his phone out and texted Rick

 

“I’m outside the station beauty”

 

Not a long time passed until he watched a long figure walk out the door, he was dressed in a sheriff uniform with his hands on his hips, short hair with loose curls over his shoulders, he was searching around the parking lot with his sight, he looked stunning. But Negan couldn’t resist and he roared in laughter as he watched Rick jump startled from the sound of the horn.

 

Rick glanced at him judgmentally, then walked towards the car and approached the driver’s window, which Negan opened quickly, sporting his ever present ear to ear grin.

 

“Sorry Ricky, did I scare ya?”

 

“Was it necessary?”

 

“Oh come on baby, you can’t handle a little teasing?”

 

“I can, just not in my workplace. Do you know how many people will ask who’s the asshole that honked the car’s horn?” Most likely Rosita.

 

“Well, you’ll have the perfect excuse to brag about the hottie you just went out with. Hop in darling.”

 

Rick sighed exasperated, yet still his mouth switched to a slight smile as he got on the passenger's seat and Negan began driving. “So, where are we going?”

 

“There’s this diner close by, I’m sure you’ll love it”

 

“A diner?” Rick raised his eyebrow doubtfully.

 

“Trust me hon, they’re the best in town. Nothing less for my beautiful date”

  
“Cut it out, I’m a guy Negan, that sweet talk won’t work on me”

 

“Oh really? Come on, everyone likes to have their ego stroked, you’re no exception”

 

In a way, he was right, Rick did enjoy it when he called him those cheesy pet names and complimented him in that confident way of his, as embarrassing as that was. Lori had never done that, not truthfully at least.

 

“Maybe I am, what do you know?”

 

“I know that I managed to take you to a hotel and get into your pants the other night using my sweet talk abilities”

 

Rick rolled his eyes, this was Negan, after all. “Yeah, sure, not like I was drunk”

 

“Then how come you remember everything?”

 

“Wasn’t as drunk as you”

 

“Well, we’re here, told ya it was close” and as Rick reached out to open the car door, Negan interrupted him “No no no, you’re _my_ date Rick, I’m at your service today, I’ll do it” He walked to the side and opened the door, then reached out to hold his hand as Rick stood up. “May I hold your hand on the way to the entrance, prince charming?”

 

“Must you be like this all the time?” He whispered as he caressed the other man’s hand with his own, which Negan soon held softly.

  
“As long as you enjoy it, which let’s be real, you do”

 

They were now sitting at a table in the diner right next to the window, it wasn’t too full, and they managed to find a private spot. The place was pretty, the walls were painted red and white in a classic style. There was background music, a soft gentle jazz song that made Rick relax.

 

Soon a young waitress with golden hair and eyes green as the grass in summer approached the table. She handed them a couple of menus while looking down at her notepad. “Welcome, is there anything I can get you? Oh, hi Rick! I almost didn’t see you there”

 

Rick waved at her and smiled lightly. “Hi Beth, we’re fine for now, it’s good to see you finally got a job”

 

“Yes! Dad kept trying to convince me not to, he said he’d need help on the farm but I could really use the extra money. Oh, I’m sorry, you’re….” Finally, Negan was starting to feel ignored.

  
“I’m Negan, it’s a pleasure to meet you young lady”

  
“Nice to meet you Negan, I’ll be right back for your order” and then she walked away to attend to other tables.

 

“Didn’t know you were a popular guy” Negan smirked as he looked through the menu.

 

“I’m not, I just happen to know her” there was a pause for a moment as they both scanned the menu “I can’t decide what to get”

 

“Whatever you want Ricky, it’s on me”

 

“Think I’ll get a pulled pork sandwich with fries”

 

“Good, I’ll get a blt sandwich” and then they laid down the menus back on the table.

 

“I’ll let you know I gotta be back at the station by 1:30”

 

“Psh, buzzkill, couldn’t you have asked for some extra time?”

 

“Nah, I don’t know how it is at your job but I can’t just ask for time in the middle of the day, 1 hour is enough for today”

 

“Fair enough”

 

“You said you were a gym coach, right?” Rick was making an effort to get to know his date, if they spent it mindlessly flirting they wouldn’t get anywhere.

  
“Yeah, I work at a local school, been working there a long time” Rick watched as he placed his elbow on the table and held his head, looking through the window.

 

“How come we’ve never even crossed each other on the street? Maybe we have and I just don’t remember”

 

“We haven’t, I know I’d remember such a pretty face”

 

Beth then walked towards them. “You guys ready to order?”

 

“Yeah, he’ll have a blt sandwich and I’ll have a pulled pork sandwich, both with fries”

 

Beth began scribbling down their orders in her notepad “Ok then, anything to drink?”

 

Negan held up his hand to get her attention. “Two beers, thank you sugar”

 

“No, no, I’m having a lemonade, thanks Beth”

 

Negan sulked like a small child at his protest “Boooring” which caused Beth to laugh.

 

“I’ll bring your orders soon” Now they were alone again.

 

“Beer? At this time?”

 

“It’s as good as any time”

 

Suddenly they were interrupted by a beep sound, it came from Rick’s phone. “Excuse me”

 

Negan watched attentively as Rick looked down, a sweet genuine smile arose on his face, his eyes shining lovingly, and he couldn’t help but wonder what brought out such a reaction from him. “What are you looking at Ricky?”

 

“Carl sent me a picture of Lil’ Judy” Negan arched his eyebrows in confusion.

 

“Lil’ Judy? Who’s that a pornstar or something?” Immediate disgust filled Rick’s face, and Negan knew he had said something he shouldn’t, classic him.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you, I’m talking about my daughter!” _Shit, he has a daughter?_ was all that crossed Negan’s mind.

 

“Fuck Rick, I’m sorry, I had no idea”

 

“Right, I forgot you didn’t remember that night, it’s okay”

 

“I’m really sorry, fuck, I’m just too much of an asshole sometimes”

 

“At least now you know I have two kids, Carl and Judith, he’s 16 and she’s 2” Rick handed his phone to Negan, on it there was a picture of a teenage boy with long hair holding a small blonde haired baby. Negan almost spilled tears right there, even though he was a pretty wild carefree man, Lucille and him deep down had always wanted a simple family life, and look at them now. Negan sighed and smiled fondly, holding the phone.

 

“God, Rick she’s beautiful, no wonder you made her” As he raised his eyes, he noticed the look of melancholy in Rick.

 

“I didn’t, she’s not really my daughter”

 

“She’s adopted?”

 

“No, she is the daughter of my wife and my best friend”

 

Negan was perplexed and his eyes were wide open. He could never imagine how awful that must have been for Rick, out of all the people your wife could cheat on you with, your best friend?! There was a moment of silence as Beth walked over and placed the plates and glasses on the table, she looked over to both of them and noticed their peculiar expressions.

 

“Is everything okay Rick?”

 

“Yeah, don’t worry,”

 

“If you need anything, let me know” she assured and gave Rick a pat on the shoulder before walking away.

 

“Damn… I… wow” Negan looked up towards him in shock before pulling the glass towards his lips.

 

“Yeah, we talked about that the other night. She and I got divorced because of their stupid secret. And before she left me, she tried to take the kids away from me, said that asshole was more of their father than me” Rick’s fingers were toying with the straw on his lemonade glass, Negan could see how this was a rough topic.

 

“What did you do?”

 

“We took it to court, in the end I got full custody” Rick took a bite of his sandwich, looking out the window thoughtfully, as curious as he was about that “history” Negan knew not to push.

 

“At least it ended well, right?” He felt satisfied as he saw that loving sweet smile return to Rick’s face, now he knew his children were what always caused it.

 

“Yeah, it did. I can’t imagine my life without Carl or Judith, there’s **nothing** I wouldn’t do for them.” The emphasis on “nothing” made it clear he was speaking the truth, his children were his everything. Negan couldn’t help but smile as he kept eating.

 

“Now I’m curious to see how far you’d get”

 

Rick looked away for a minute, then turned back towards the brown eyed man.

 

“Well, this one thing happened, it almost got me into so much trouble back then, I could’ve lost the trial, I don’t know if I should tell you, might be too brutal”

 

“Now that’s a story I wanna hear, don’t get so cocky _Rick_ , there’s no kind of story I can’t handle”

 

“It happened during the trial, after my argument with Lori. Shane-”

 

“The motherfucker she cheated on you with?”

 

“Yes, that one” Rick took a long breath before he continued speaking, as if preparing himself.

 

“He broke into my house, at midnight. I woke up hearing Judith’s cries downstairs, and when I rushed down, he was there holding her, he was trembling, and there was blood on his shirt and jacket, then he pointed a gun to my head”

 

“Fucking hell Rick, go on” Negan was so focused it seem like his eyes were going to pop out at any second.

 

“The second I saw the blood, I thought he had killed Carl, why else wouldn’t he have woken up as well? He walked towards me with his gun up, until it was right against my forehead. Then I fucking snapped, I don’t even remember what the hell I did, but the last thing I remember was holding Judith and hearing his pained screams as he layed down on the carpet bleeding out with his leg backwards”

 

“What happened after that?”

Unfortunately for his impatience, Rick took a long gulp of the lemonade before continuing.

 

“I dragged him off to the garage and got him in the car, then I went upstairs to take Judith back to her crib, and when I entered Carl’s room, heh, you can’t imagine my relief when I saw him sleeping peacefully on his bed, like no one had broke in the house to steal his lil’ sister”

 

“Afterwards I drove Shane towards his house and left him there. I threatened him and told him to call 911 and say he broke his leg falling down the stairs, the blood, he’d have to explain that himself. He knew that if he didn’t do what I said he’d have to justify trying to kidnap a newborn baby”

 

“Wow Rick…..you’re a fucking badass!”

 

“Look, Negan, this is a pretty big deal, I don’t even know why I’m telling you. I guess it’s just the blind way we trust those who don’t know us that well”

 

“Baby, you can certainly trust me, my lips are sealed” Negan winked as he did the zipper gesture over his mouth. “Plus, knowing how far you’d go I would never even look at your children without your permission”

 

“Stop putting it like I’m some mafia lord, it was just an impulse of rage Negan, if you try anything though” Rick glared at him menacingly, sending warmth spreading through Negan’s face, and he felt goosebumps in his back.

 

“Ungh, fuck Rick, is it wrong that this whole conversation’s been making me hard?”

 

“I don’t know, what IS wrong is that you bought that bullshit story” Rick had the biggest shit eating grin Negan had ever seen, and he blinked in surprise.

 

“Rick you sneaky bitch”

 

“You’ve been so over-confident the entire date, with your stupid sweet talk and cheesy attitude, plus the horn thing’ll get me a lot of questions asked. It was about time I got you back for it”

 

Negan held back his laugh and clapped slowly. “That was some A-plus performance there Ricky. I would’ve never guessed. Not gonna lie you had me a bit scared with that last thing”

 

Rick leaned back on his chair and chuckled slightly. “Oh please, I’m a cop, not a criminal, so is Shane, he might be a pretty impulsive man, but not crazy enough to try something like that, I’ve never been in a situation like that at home”

 

“You two work together?” Their plates were already empty, now it was just them taking occasional sips at their drink.

 

“We used to, but after the whole thing he and Lori moved away together” Negan observed as Rick wrapped his curls around his fingers, he began noticing how much Rick toyed with his hands, he found it adorable.

 

Negan looked towards the side and saw Beth going towards them, when she arrived she took the empty plates and glasses and put them on the tray.

 

“Will that be all, guys?”

 

“Yes Beth, thank you”

 

“I’ll come right back with the check” soon she came back with it and Rick reached for his wallet before Negan stopped him.

 

“No, stop. I meant it baby, I invited you, it’s on me” and he placed a couple of bills on the table. The term earned an amused giggle from Beth.

 

“Baby? I didn’t know this was a date Rick, you should have told me!” Rick’s face went a notorious tone of red at the affirmation, and he shook his head.

 

“No, no, it’s not, he’s just obnoxious”  Negan gasped and put his hand on his chest dramatically, faking offense.

 

“You’re denying what we have now, baby? Wow, maybe you should pay after all” he crossed his arms with a victorious smirk on his face, Rick rolled his eyes at the gesture and Beth kept laughing almost innocently.

 

“I’m kidding gorgeous, lighten up a bit. Shit I forgot your tip didn’t I” Beth smiled brightly when Negan handed her 15 dollars, she thanked him and left off to go back to work.

 

“How generous of you” Negan stood up and placed his hand in front of Rick, who instantly held it with his own and stood up.

 

“You know me honey, I’m a good person.”  

 

“Was it necessary to make clear to her that this was a date?” They were back in the car now, and Negan had his hands on the key, he inserted it in the ignition lock, and turned it around to start the car.

 

“If I could I’d let the entire world know I just had a date with the prettiest man that ever existed” _No he wouldn’t._

 

“There you go with that sweet talk again” He tried to disguise it but Negan could clearly see he was smiling, and he began driving back towards the station.

 

“Did I mention how fucking hot you look in that uniform, Ricky? If I didn’t have some self control, you’d have me hiding my boner like some horny teen the whole time”

 

“I’ll keep that in mind” Rick smirked jokingly and raised his hands behind his head, his shirt raising, revealing a small section of skin in his stomach, Negan was struggling to keep his eyes on the road.

 

“Damn Ricky, everytime I see a new side of you I get 50% more into you”

 

“You’re not the only one who can act flirty” He winked towards Negan as he parked the car on the same spot as earlier, Rick was about to open the door and leave, but before he looked over to Negan.

 

“In all honesty I enjoyed myself today, I really like you Negan. You wanna go on a second date? My treat”

 

“Of course Ricky, how could I say no? Friday at 8?”

 

Rick leaned in towards him, and Negan’s eyes were wide open as he held his chin with his hand, rubbing against the beard, and pressed a kiss to his cheek, then approached his ear to whisper.

 

“See you on friday then, handsome” and then he abandoned the car, leaving a flustered blushing Negan behind. Being the kind of person to say and do flirty shit all the time you’d think he could handle it. But no, he was accustomed to giving, not receiving. He rubbed his face with his hands, then drove away.

 

○○○

 

Later that afternoon, just as promised, Negan went to visit Lucille. Anxiety building up inside him as he walked up the stairs, he could never shake off the thought that he’d arrive to her corpse. But he pushed the thought to the back of his mind.

 

“Hey Lucy” he approached her side and caressed her knuckles gently, her eyes snapped open and she pulled her hand away, Negan was surprised at her reaction.

 

“Baby, are you okay?” she looked up at him and around the room, her mouth slightly open in confusion.

 

“Lucille, you’re scaring me, what’s wrong?”

 

“Lu-Luci, what?” She continued muttering gibberish Negan could not understand while shaking her head. The sound of the door opening caught his attention, a nurse walked in and after staring at her she placed a hand on Negan’s shoulder.

 

“Don’t worry, it’s just a symptom, the loss of memory might not be permanent” The mere thought of it being permanent terrified Negan, and it grew as he watched her go quiet and fall asleep.

 

“She’s fine’ The nurse assured, before Negan could rush to her side. He swallowed thickly, in an attempt to get rid of the knot in his throat.

 

○○○

“Daddy! You’re back!” Judith cheered as she ran towards the door, raising her arms on the air. Rick held her up and kissed her head as she snuggled against his chest.“Hello sweetie”

 

“Hey dad” added Carl, his sight not moving from the tv screen. “Hey Carl, how was your day?”

 

"Fine, by the way, Olivia said she had to leave earlier”

 

“That’s fine, I’m a bit late today, have you guys had dinner already?” he said as he gently lowered Judith back to the floor.

 

“Yeah, we had pizza”

 

“Again?”

 

“You were late, we improvised” In all honesty even if he was here it’s not like he was a good cook, they’d probably have pizza as well.

 

Judith gasped loudly and cartoonishly put her hands on her cheeks. “I forgot to show you!” she moved quickly towards her room, and soon returned with a paper in hand, which she handed it to Rick

 

“I drew this for you daddy!” she exclaimed. Rick looked at it closely, it was made with crayons, there was grass, and a house, three human figures in the center, the tallest one was wearing his usual uniform, he assumed it was himself, on his side was a slightly less tall boy with hair that reached his shoulders, Carl, and finally, a small girl with hair yellow as the sun painted on the corner of the image. On the top of the image the phrase “I love my family” was written, each letter in a different color, and a heart to the side.

 

Rick could feel his smile growing, and he bowed down on one knee to caress the top of Judith’s head. “It’s wonderful Judy, I love it”

 

She held her fists in front of her, her eyes sparkling with joy. “You do!?”

 

“Of course dear, how about we put it in the fridge, so we can see it every day”

 

“Yes!” she yelled ecstatic as Rick held it on the door with a magnet. He stared at it for some time, this situations were the joys of parenthood, and he planned to enjoy it as long as he could.

 

Judith insisted they watched some disney movie, and Carl had headed off to his room. Rick was now sitting on the couch, listening as Judith sang along with the princess in Tangled. He had lost count on how many times they watched that movie, Judith pretty much knew the whole dialogue already.

  
He reflected back on his date with Negan, how fun it had been to spend time with someone so... outstanding. Where should he take him that friday? He yawned loudly and rubbed his eyes, it was getting late and he was tired, he’d have time to think about that later on. After putting Judith to bed, Rick went back to sleep.


	3. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUP BITCHES IM BACK! Enjoy chapter three! Kudos to @awcoffeeno for proofreading this, i love u girl! Love you all!

“Negan, Negan, wake up baby," that sweet, gentle, familiar voice cooed. Negan’s eyes opened to find the love of his life right besides him, right where she belonged. 

“Just a lil’ longer,” Negan grunted with a smile and wrapped his arms around her, feeling the warmth of her soft, sexy body on his own.

“You’re gonna be late, dipshit," Lucille laughed against her husband’s chest, and it was the sweetest sound Negan had ever heard. He wanted to hear it every day for the rest of his life. And he would.

“Late for what, sweetheart?” Negan asks, still drowsy with sleep as he breathes in his wife’s comforting scent.

“My funeral,” the woman’s hoarse, breathless voice croaked. Negan practically jumped up at the words. 

“Lucy? What are you-? Lucy!” Negan yelled out and stumbled back, surely he would’ve fallen of the bed if it weren’t because he was actually on the floor. Lucille was still by his side, her face and body rotten, pale, skinny to the point he could see her bones.

“What did you do, Negan!?” she shouted, lifeless eyes staring into his as she got up and close. “What did you do to me!?" 

Negan wasn’t able to form any words, and even if he could, what the fuck was he supposed to answer? He was terrified, body shaking, and he found he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. 

“Don’t answer, I know what you did!" Lucille got closer and closer, and once she reached him her cold, rotten hand reached to grab his face. Through Negan’s mind flashed images of every single affair he’d had since him and Lucille got together, and every single time he’d been an ass to her, all the way from fucking her best friend back in high school to how he spent their honeymoon at a strip club and left her alone in a hotel room, only to arrive and call her a bitch before throwing up on her, and _holy fuck there had been a lot_.

“I’m sorry... I’m so fucking sorry," Negan wheezed as another cold hand joined the first, this time wrapping around his throat. _Just do it, please just fucking do it,_ he pleaded in his mind, the fear and guilt that flooded his mind making it unable for him to say anything more.

The hands wrapped around his throat and suddenly Lucille was face to face with him. A long nail, manicured just how she liked them, pressed to his throat and slid through, slitting it nice and easy.

Negan woke up in a cold sweat, body shaking as he stood up on the bed. First thing he did was look to his side, hoping to see his wife laying there peacefully, instead he found nothing. Sure, the nightmare was done, fucking yay, but his wife was still dying in the hospital. He was still alone in their bed.

Negan turned to his side and glanced at the clock. 5:30. God fucking damn it, he was gonna be late for work. Why the hell did he care anyways? Oh right, that fucking hospital bill. He got up and towards the bathroom, giving himself a quick, half assed shower. Once he got out, he examined himself on the mirror. His eye bags were not yet huge but they sure were hard to ignore.  It was hard to sleep when you didn’t have anyone to cuddle or fuck you to sleep. His beard was growing, but he was just not in the mood to shave, or make breakfast, or go to work for that matter. Frankly, he looked terrible, but he couldn’t care less.

Negan grabbed a plate and poured some cereal and milk in it. _That’ll do._ After eating his shitty breakfast he finished getting ready for work. As he drove, he only thought about Lucille, only Lucille, how much he missed her ‘have a good day at work’ kisses in the morning. They fueled his day at work like nothing else, but how come he only noticed it now?

The fact that he would have to spend a whole day around kids wasn’t really gonna help, it never did since _that_ happened. They spent years fantasizing about having kids, thinking names, making up scenarios that they were sure would someday happen but never actually did.

_“I hope he has your eyes," Lucille told him, one lazy sunday morning after they got the news that she was pregnant._

_“Nah, he’ll be better off with yours," Negan replied hugging her from behind, like they hadn’t yelled the hell out of each other just the last Friday night._

Negan turned the radio up until it was loud enough that he couldn’t hear his own thoughts. After a while stuck in that boring ass traffic Negan arrived to the school, and he turned the car off and got out. Almost every other car was already there, except for a few here and there, weird, since it was already past time to arrive. 

In a rush, Negan headed to his office with the other teachers, but a few desks were empty too. He was met with glares and a few concerned looks, _fucking nosey-ass teachers,_ they like to act like they give a shit. “The fuck are you looking at?” Negan growled as he placed his bag down on his desk, that made a few looks turn from him, but a few others remained. “Yeah, I’m talking to you Nancy, you’ve got lipstick on your fucking teeth”  

He could already see it, some nosey piece of shit would complain and then get told the fucking _‘oh you have to understand he’s in a rough place blah fucking blah_ ’, and then they would walk up to him and say that classic fucking pity speech. ‘ _I’m sorry if you need anything I’m here to help blah fucking blah’._ Pay my fucking hospital bill then, or even better, get fucking cancer and die instead of my wife. Or just fuck off and mind your fucking business.

_“I’m sorry.”_  

_“Shut up, Negan.”_

_“Lucille. I mean it.”_

_“You always do, you mean it until you’re right the fuck back on someone else’s bed. What the fuck is wrong with you?”_

_“Lucy, listen, I-”_

_“Am I not good enough for you!?”_  

_“No! You’re too good for me, I’m serious”_

_“Yeah, right,” she scoffed. “You’re all talk, all you fucking do is talk and talk. And you never do shit! You’re all i love you’s but you never show it!”_

_“But I love you, I really fucking do, you have no idea how much I love you.” Negan slowly neared her. “I’m sorry, I’ll be a better husband from now on, I swear.”_

_“Shut the fuck up.” Lucille stood up and walked towards her room. “Mom was right about you.”_

“Negan." His boss’s voice spoke, how long had it been since he arrived? He didn’t know, but somehow he realized he had his laptop open and was apparently setting up schedules, or something, what?

“Yeah?” Negan turns his glance away from the computer and to him, ready to get scolded over cussing out the teachers, or told to go home and sleep, or asked if he’s ok.

“We’re running low on budget so we’ve had to cut personal, I’m gonna need you to fill in the classes of the little kids.”  

“Am I gonna get paid more?”

“I’m afraid not."

“Then why do I have to do it?”

“If you don’t I’d have to fire you, now hurry, I need you to watch the preschool kids in 20 minutes.” Negan didn’t really mind, he loves little kids, always did. His only problem was working extra hours for fucking free. Now was the moment he would text Lucille to tell her what shitty thing had happened at work, and she’d respond with nice words and maybe a pic or two, maybe a nude, maybe what she was making for lunch, or just a picture of her that would remind Negan how lucky he was and what an amazing woman he had married.

Jesus, it felt as if she was already dead.

 

○○○

_“Come here, you sexy fuck," Negan grunted and pulled his companion even closer. His body was warm and nice, and although he reeked of cologne and sweat,  his lips tasted like heaven and alcohol. It was nothing like anyone Rick had ever been with before, and he wanted more._

_“Goddamn!" Negan gave an appreciative whistle “Look at you! You’re a big one aren’t you? C’mere, let me give you a ride, cowboy.” Words flew by in the middle of pleasure, Rick didn’t even know what was happening, and he didn’t care to know, it felt so damn good._  

_“Mmm-mm! You taste amazing, what? Don't believe me? Put those cute ass lips on mine and taste for yourself." Rick felt the soft wetness of the man’s delicious lips, the pleasure was back in him, he was addicted._  

_“Fuck, you’re so damn cute when you laugh, I fucking love it, laugh again for me sweetheart, please?” Negan was so gentle, so kind in his words and touching. Rick loved it, no one had been that sweet to him in a long time, and he found he had been craving it deep inside._

_“Ugh-fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m gonna…” Before Negan could even finish the sentence Rick had done it himself, leaving Negan’s stomach stained._

_Soon they were done, and they fell asleep in each other’s arms. For once, Rick felt… wanted? Loved? He didn’t know how to explain it, but damn him if it wasn’t the sweetest thing he’d felt in a while._  

“Dad? Daaaad?” Carl waved his eyes in front of his father’s face. “Earth to dad.”

_Crap,_ Rick thought, as he came back from his daydream to face his son. “Yes Carl?”

“Judith is ready, we’re gonna be late for school!” Carl said, one hand grabbing his tiny sister’s hand.

“Sorry, c’mon, let’s go.” Rick stood up and grabbed the car keys from the table along with Judith’s princess themed backpack. They got into the car and he started it. 

“What were you thinking about back there, dad?” Carl asked, taking his father by surprise.

“You smiled, daddy,” Judith adds, taking a moment away from playing with her dolls to join the conversation.

“Oh it’s nothing, I was just… remembering something.” 

“What kind of something?” Carl asked, and Judith leaned forward repeating his words like a tiny parrot.

“I-uh” He didn't know what to say, but soon he figured it was time to be completely honest with his kids, no more lies. “I met someone recently, someone I really like.”

Judith loudly, and as usually, cartoonishly gasped. “Are you in love, daddy!?” Carl laughed slightly, and Rick couldn’t help but do it too. Of course, she had seen enough cartoons and Disney movies to know what was happening to his dad.

“I guess you could say it like that, but-”

“We’ll have a new mommy?” Judith asked, eyes bright with excitement for her dad. “Are you gonna _marry_?”

“No, Judy, it’s not that serious yet.” Rick smiled. Maybe it was too quick to tell his kids about Negan, but it would at least be good for them to know that he’s dating again. At least he wouldn’t have to lie when he went out on Friday. “Maybe someday you’ll have a new mommy.. or daddy, but don’t get any ideas in your head, alright princess?” 

“A new daddy? So we’ll have two of you?” Judith asked.

“No Judy, a different daddy to take care of you with me.” 

“You’re dating a guy?” Carl asked, and Rick responded with a nod, before the boy’s eyes widened. “Don’t tell me it’s Daryl.”

“No- Jesus, Carl, no!”

“Thank _god_.”

“Don’t make a big deal out of this, I just want you to know what’s happening in my life, but remember you two will always be my top priority.” Carl simply nodded in response, meanwhile Judith went back to playing with her dolls through the rest of the trip to school.

“Have a good day sweetheart” Rick gave her forehead a kiss before she stepped out the car with a last wave. 

“Bye daddy!" 

“Don’t think I forgot about you, Carl” He smiles stopping the boy from escaping too early. With a typical exasperated-teenager sigh, Carl leaned over. Rick caught him between his arms in a tight hug and gave his forehead a kiss. “Have a good day, Carl”

“Thanks dad, you too.” Carl pulled back and left for school too. There was nothing in the whole universe Rick loved more than his children, and he made sure they knew it. 

On the way outside of the school parking lot Rick saw a strangely familiar car. After that he went to work.

○○○

Negan stood in front of the preschool class calling roll. At least they didn’t do much, just play around, and he could just sit back and watch them. It’s not like anyone would come over and check what they did. He continued calling roll until he was done, by then the kids were already scattered and doing whatever they wanted in the tiny room with toys. What? Did they expect him to teach them something? And then get a complaint of a kid saying “fuck” at home? Fuck no.

Looking at all these kids brought back so many memories, he couldn’t help but wonder what his child would’ve looked like had they ever been born.

_“Do you want kids someday?” Lucille asked, a random day while they were buying groceries and a bunch of kids ran down the aisle._

_“Depends, do you?”_

_“Only if you’re the father.”_

_“I will if you promise to raise them with me.”_

_“Well shit, that’s gonna be a problem. I planned to leave you with a kid, go buy cigarettes and never come back.”_

_“Hey, since when are you stealing tricks from my dad?”_

_“Haha, really funny Negan.”_

_“Shut up, you fucking love my jokes.”_

_“I don’t, but I love_ **_you._ ** _”_

_“And I love you more, Lucy” He kissed her cheek, and they turned to the next aisle._

“Excuse me, teacher?” A tiny, blonde girl interrupted Negan’s thoughts. She looked familiar.

“Yes? 

“I lost my brown crayon” The little girl showed him her crayon box with one color missing.

“Brown? Why don’t you use a prettier color?”

“But I need brown for my daddy’s uniform” _Uniform?_ “Can you help me find my crayon?”

“Of course.” He gave a look at the kids to make sure everything was okay before standing up and checking around. After looking near the girl’s workspace he leaned down under a table to see if it was there.

“Did you find it?

“Yeah, just-gimme a second.” Once Negan saw the crayon, he reached his arm in and grabbed it. “Here you go darling”

“Thank you!” The little girl practically snatched it from his hand. “Come draw with me” She grabbed his hand and pulled him to where she sat on the floor drawing. Negan was really not in the mood for this, but how could he say no to this adorable kid? He sat down and watched her doodle clothes onto a stick figure with the brown crayon.

“What are you drawing?” he asked as the girl put the crayon in the box, right in the empty spot. The box said “Judith Grimes” in the front, neatly written with a black marker. The name sounded familiar, just like the girl’s face.

“I’m drawing daddy and my new daddy.” Had this sentence come from anyone but a kid, Negan would’ve laughed at it. Lucille would too. Judith grabbed a yellow crayon and drew a star like thing on top of the brown shirt.

“Your new daddy?” Negan looked at the paper. There was a stick figure with a freshly drawn brown shirt, and another stick figure next to it, their hands seemed joined.

“Yes, daddy said we would have a new daddy.” As Judith spoke,  she pointed at which figure was her daddy and which one her “new daddy”.

“What’s this yellow star on your daddy?” Negan asked, curiously pointing at the object.

“His sheriff badge.”

“Your daddy’s a sheriff?” Suddenly, Negan got a mental flashback from yesterday, the date he had with a certain sheriff named Rick. “What’s your daddy’s name?”

“Rick,” Judith answered simply and thought for a moment as she placed down the crayon. _No fucking way_ , Negan thought to himself. He grabbed his phone and opened his text conversation with Rick, just to check if he had the name right. _Rick Grimes._ Fuck.

“What color should my new daddy be? I don’t know him yet.”

“I don’t know, uh, I’ll be right back.” Negan excused himself and stood up, walking away from the kid to step out of the room for an instant. Was he _her new dad_? Was it this fucking serious!? The only child he had ever wanted to father was Lucille’s, not the child of a random guy he met while drunk in a fucking bar. The guilt hit Negan like a truck. He had to end this, the moment he got off work he would call Rick and cancel the date, never again, ever.

With a sigh, Negan reached into his pocket for a cigarette and stepped into the open yard to light it up. Seeing what was happening to Lucille, you’d think he would quit smoking, but it only made him want to keep doing it. Was it irresponsible from him to leave the kids alone like that? Yeah. Was he a good teacher? Probably not. Did anyone care? Nope, not even Negan.

Although he was in the open, Negan felt suffocated, and it had nothing to do with the cigarette, it was just how he felt nowadays.

○○○

 

_“Do you love me?” He asked, drunk and drowsy, his head was resting on the woman’s soft warm chest._

_“Why else would I have married you? You’re not rich.” Her voice was sweet as she giggled, years of experience dealing with Negan’s drunk -and sober, he was no better when sober- self had made her an expert._

_“Because I’m the sexiest man you’ve seen in your whole damn life?”_

_“Not true.”_

_“Oh shut up, it is.”_

_She sighed. “Fine, maybe it is. But that’s not why I love you.”_

_“Then why do you? I don’t get it.”_

_“I don’t either, I just love you so much.” She pointed the end of her sentence with a swarm of kisses all over Negan’s face._

_“Do you?” He smiled and chuckled at the kisses. His breath reeked of alcohol but she seemed to not mind._

_“Yes, I love your voice, I love your words, I love your everything”_

_“Lucy...”_

_“Yes babe?”_

_“I don’t know what I’d do without you”_

○○○

 

The day was over as quick as it began, and Negan sat in his car staring at his phone, trying to figure out a gentle way to cancel the date.

“Hey,” he texted Rick simply, and stared at the phone anxious for an answer. In a moment which was probably longer than Negan felt it was, the man was online.

“Hi there!” Sweet, calm, easy, lovely, just like Rick was. _Fuck you for even thinking that._ He stared at the phone in thought, not even knowing what to say. But soon, Negan began typing.

“Guess who I met at work today?” Fuck you, Negan.

“Who?”

“I said guess, sheriff.”

“I don’t know, tell me.”

“A little girl named Judith Grimes.”

“No way.”

“She was drawing something, she said her daddy told her she would have a new daddy.” Negan sent this with a laughing emoji, not to seem too serious. _What’s wrong with you? he asked himself._

“Oh god, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay, she’s adorable.”

“She misunderstood it, I just told them I’m dating again.”

“It’s okay blue eyes, It would be a pleasure to be in your family, or your bed ;)”

“Maybe someday, not sure about the second thing though.”

“Maybe on Friday, bring your sheriff uniform ♡”

“Oh, shut up,” Rick sent a laughing emoji with that, and although normally Negan prided himself on making people he liked laugh, this time all he heard was Lucille’s laugh. The one he would never hear again.

“Gotta go, talk to you later handsome."

“Ttyl ♡”

“Did your son teach you that, old man?”

“Screw you.” Negan slightly laughed, but it was immediately followed with disgust at himself. With a sigh, he started the car and began driving. It was time to see Lucille.

○○○

 

“Hey, baby,” Negan said gently as he opened the door and stepped in. She was awake, thankfully. But did she remember him?

“Hi Neegs,” she wheezed. Her face was serious, and she layed weakly in her bed, like a sack of potatoes.

“Do you… remember me?”

“Of course I do, dummy.” Negan smiled, it felt like the biggest weight on earth had just been lifted from his shoulders, and he could finally breathe, that was his Lucy. He leaned down and gave her soft lips a kiss.

“How’s my favorite woman in the whole damn world doing?” He smiled and sat on the chair next to her, trying to make her smile. Thankfully, she did.

“Take a guess.”

"Perfect?”

“Exactly” Lucille laughed weakly, but halfway through began coughing. “How was your day?”

“It was fine.” Negan shrugged. “Y’know, nothing interesting about working at a school”

“Sorry I haven’t been around to talk to you much, this whole cancer thing has me really busy.”

“Nah, it’s alright doll.” Negan caressed her head, where he was used to feeling soft curls, but now there were none.

“What have you been up to?”

_Oh I met a guy, fucked him, and went out on a date with him behind your back. Yeah, exactly what you hated me doing, the exact thing I promised you I would never do again. That’s what I’ve been up to._

“Work, and jacking off to a picture of you every night.” Lucille laughed again, _god, that laugh._

“The house is really lonely without you,” Negan said.

“I bet,” she muttered. “Haven’t you taken anyone over to keep you company?”

Negan knew she was joking, but it still felt like a bullet to the heart.

“ _Fuck_ no, I don’t want any company other than yours.” Negan forced out a sad laugh. Lucille patted her chest, as if telling Negan to lay there, she always told him to when she knew he was not feeling well. At first he refused to, but when she did it again he couldn’t help but lean down, resting his head on her skinny chest, still  careful to not put too much pressure. Negan could feel her breathing, her weak shaky breathing and the slow calming beating of her heart.

“I love you so much,” he muttered, as a weak arm wrapped over him. He felt young again, a stupid twenty-five year old who had just been rejected at a job interview and had been comforted by his girlfriend. A forty-three year old whose mother had died too young and was being comforted by his wife. But no, he was an almost fifty year old man whose wife was dying of cancer, and he still needed her comfort.

“I love you too,” she whispered, and her voice was young and sweet as it had been the day they met, all the way back in high school.

“Never forget it, please,” Negan insisted, voice shaky with emotion. “Never forget how much I love you. You are the most beautiful amazing woman I’ve ever met, and I’m the luckiest man for being your husband.”

“Shh,” Lucille hummed, still holding onto him. In a minute or two, Negan realized she had fallen asleep again. He pulled away from her and gave her forehead a kiss. This was normal nowadays. As he sat there, even more memories went through his mind. And he knew once Lucille died, so would he.

_“Let me tell you something, baby girl,” Negan whispered, holding the girl he had just gotten laid to close. It was prom night, but the young couple had chosen to stay at home instead of going to a stupid dance._

_“What?” Lucille smiled, and leaned a hand up to slick back some hair strands that had moved to the boy’s face._

_“You’re gonna be my wife someday.” He grinned, sure, he thought he was joking, but in years to come Negan would come to realize he did wanna marry her._

_“You’re ridiculous!” she laughed and gave his chest a gentle push._

_“No, I fucking mean it. We’re gonna have children and raise them to be little badasses like us, and we’re gonna grow old together and be the coolest fucking old couple in town.”_

_“Yeah, and we’re still going to ride your bike and do stunts when we’re a hundred years old.”_

_“That’s the fucking spirit!” Negan held her close and kissed her, a long passionate kiss that seemed to last forever. “We’ll be together forever.”_

_“You promise?”_

_“Fuck yeah, not even death will pull us apart. I’ll kick his ass if he tries to.” Lucille giggled again. The boy had slowly fallen in love with that sound. And more than 30 years later he would still love it like the first time._

_“I love you, you cocky idiot.” Negan kissed her again, and found he felt happy for once in his shitty life._


End file.
